When you engage in a conversation, and the other starts judging you based on factors that are beyond your control – the best thing you can do is lead by example, by:
- not being afraid
- identify what is happening
- put the experience into perspective
- have an open mind
In other words, when you meet someone for the first time, try hard not to judge them.
When you feel yourself scanning the other person and creating your first impression on anything but the facts, try hard to contain that thought pattern and go back to listening with your heart to what the other is saying and base your impression on that instead.
You can learn techniques to enhance a good experience and there are ways to diffuse a bad experience but if the dynamic is not right, the best thing that you can do is acknowledge it within yourself and not to fight it. It is one of those mysteries of life.
Not everything in life can be controlled.
Not all conversations will flow smoothly.
In these cases, there are no techniques to use – the only thing you need to do is experience this when it happens.
Appreciate the mystery and respect the fact that life is full of surprises, unexplained circumstances and enriching enigma’s.
On a practical note, this invisible dynamic component could be:
- the positioning of your facial features
- the sound of your voice
This secondary component can also be solely based on instinct and not on facts, emotion or logic of any kind.
When the secondary – dynamic component is in sync, this can lead to a good experience. For example, a good experience is shared when both parties resonate with each other i.e
- by sharing some kind of common ground
- having the same interests and
- sharing information with each other openly
When a secondary – dynamic component is off- balance – this can lead to a bad experience. For example, a bad experience could occur when:
- there is a personality conflict
- when information is kept secret
- when there is some kind of invisible unidentifiable tension between the two parties
This kind of conversation experience could occur on a conscious or unconscious level. It slips into the conversation like a garden snake slips through the grass and can leave the two conversationalists feeling very uncomfortable around each other.
In a conversation there are two primary components that highlight how to have a good flow conversation: on the one hand is the emotional intelligence component and on the other is the intellectual intelligence component.
Emotional intelligence means when you listen you use empathy to really feel what the other is saying to you.
You would say things like: “I feel (….)”
Intellectual intelligence means that you use common-sense, logic and rational thought to decipher the message conveyed to you.
You would say things like: “I think (…)”
However it is neither the emotional nor the intellectual intelligence components that makes the conversation flow. There is something else.
That something else is the third secondary component which is the invisible dynamic component. It can be considered the glue that pastes the emotional and intellectual intelligence components together. It makes everything fit together like a piece in a jigsaw puzzle. It is this invisible component that makes you succeed in the interview, share enriching conversations with friends and family and enables you to succeed in a personal relationship. It is the connection between you and the other that makes you a match and compatible with each other.
Funny enough this component is the most important but – it is also the one you have least control over.
Photo, September 19, 2017. Title: “Fall in Victoria”